Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
