Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Randomize
