Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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