so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
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