put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together