I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
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