So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
Randomize
