Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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