If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
