i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Randomize
