He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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