My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
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