One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
