I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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