I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i dont know why he would complain when i touch him there.
You just kept saying over and over "Tell me I won't do it." Someone finally told you you won't. You did. Welcome to herpes.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
Randomize
