turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
He was like an evil genius with the clitoris. I don't stand a chance.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
Randomize
