Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
i think i just lost a toe
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
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