There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
I don't deserve a penis
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Randomize
