he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
