I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Are my feet made of real feet?
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
