Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Even Lady Gaga hates Purdue
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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