I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
you know you should be lucky to find the case to my dildo....that means no more random guys at the house!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Randomize
