Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Swine flu. Run for my life!
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
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