I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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