I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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