Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
Randomize
