I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
I just almost caught my floor on fire, then decided I could put it out with my knuckles! So I'm doing good!
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
