Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
so let's talk penis.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Having sex with my girlfriend wearing my old Tom Brady jersey on the day he's freed is the closest I'll come to a 3way with Tom
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
