There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
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