i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Randomize
