Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Life is so much better after having sex.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
