alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
stop calling my apartment porn island.
I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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