Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
i woke up on the couch at 5:24am, hangover, craving for some ribs, but i only had a bag of cheetos and a half empty beer. man what a breakfast.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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