I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
