Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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