there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
