You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Randomize
