Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
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