Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
As shirtless as possible
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
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