where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
