WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
We are not buying weed off a guy from the internet.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Randomize
