She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Do you remember calling me and dedicating a shot to me?
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
It feels like there's puke trying to explode out of me from behind my eyeballs.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
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