I think my fart just growled at me.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
