I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Randomize
