Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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