I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Randomize
