Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I showered three hours ago and yet feel the need for another one already. This is my day.
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