i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Randomize
