Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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