I CAN MOONWALK!
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
Randomize
