This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
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