Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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