i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
