I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
smell my finger.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
