I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
it was like reliving my childhood drunk at a bar.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
Randomize
